I’m scared

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk, how did I let it get this bad??

These are just my raw, unfiltered thoughts, so don’t expect them to be perfect.

I’ve been having a good run since last year—well, had, because now I feel like I’ve spiralled out of control.

Last year, I faced my feelings. I stopped running away from them. Most importantly, I faced God, and I found true peace.

My life became so beautiful. It wasn’t perfect in any way—I cried a lot, I hurt a lot—but I healed a lot too.

From betrayal and heartbreak.

I built truly wonderful bonds with my friends. I have never felt so loved. We went on dates, they showered me with gifts, they held me when I cried, and they laughed with me.

My life was going swimmingly.

And me and God? Best buddies ever.

I learned how to swim. My girls and I would sneak away from work and go swimming. We learned together through sheer determination—and a bit of a coach who clearly wanted to grope us all.

And my body? The best shape it had ever been in my entire life.

I made outfits for people, and they paid me—for the first time ever.

I was literally glowing. Even though I faced my own challenges, they didn’t overshadow the good.

I was the softest, most loving version of myself I had ever been. My boundaries were strong. My peace was a priority.

I walked away from my ex—no argument, no begging, no explanation. I wasn’t rude or mean. When he texted, I was polite, but I didn’t engage.

I was truly in a good era.

And I was so excited for the new year.

But now everything has just been chaotic.

I’m working, and I hate it.

I haven’t made a single dress for sale this year.

I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically drained.

Cannabis doesn’t even numb my mind anymore.

I’ve gained weight and lost most of my progress—except my ass.

I can’t stop eating.

I’m constantly breaking out.

Working out doesn’t bring me joy anymore, and neither does writing.

But you know what scares me the most?

My relationship with God feels nonexistent.

I started to feel bored with my life. I craved the chaos of my former life—the toxicity.

So I looked back… and I went back.

I picked up all the things I used to do. I stepped back into the fog.

In my head, I thought: if I’ve come out of this before—if I’ve lost the weight, healed, become disciplined, and built a relationship with God—then surely I can do it again.

I walked away from God myself. I put our relationship on hold so I could have a little “fun.”

I thought I’d just enjoy it for a while and then come back.

But now I’ve spiralled out of control.

I can feel my old self crawling out from wherever she was buried.

I used to be very toxic. Then I fell in love, changed, got heartbroken, healed… and now it feels like it was all for nothing.

My ex is back in my life. I don’t even like him anymore. It’s the toxic part of me that wants him to get a taste of his own medicine. I can see the games I’m playing with him.

Careful—you don’t burn, Edwina.

But how can fire burn when there’s nothing left to burn? I despise him.

I’ve lost my way to God. That’s what scares me the most.

I gave up. I’m begging Him to find me, but I can’t seem to stop spiralling.

And it scares me.

I’m lost in this fog, and I can’t find my way out.

And it scares me.

I feel like I deserve this. I knew what I was doing. I intentionally grieved the Holy Spirit.

And it scares me.

What if I never find my way back? What if I’m lost forever?

I hate this place. It’s dark, gloomy, and sad—and all you want to do is be numb.

And it scares me.

I need God to draw me out.

I’m scared