Lost but… found??

I guess I understand why the Bible asks us not to judge.

I’ve been giving health talks at church during Bible studies because we’re studying fasting, and I’m educating them on the physical benefits.

I’m a Sunday school teacher, and I believe those kids adore me and look up to me.

I’m also a chorister.

All these things I do wholeheartedly and willingly unto the Lord because I love Him.

But it doesn’t change the fact that I struggle with wanting to be a freak in the sheets and getting so high out of my mind.

I’m not saying it’s good to live in sin, nor am I discrediting the salvation and gift of grace.

What I am saying is that we should learn to give people more grace. People can live a godly life or be placed on a pedestal because of their relationship with God and still struggle with sin.

We were all born with sin. From the moment we were conceived, we all have our struggles. Only Jesus is perfect.

We struggle every single day to put our flesh to death, and sometimes we get tired. It’s okay, provided you’re still relying on God as your strength.

We’re bound to slip up. It’s okay. Matter of fact, it’s impossible to escape it. Peter saw Jesus walking on water and asked Him to command him to come, because he knew that if Jesus told him to, he could. He had the faith to step out and walk to Jesus, and yet Peter still slipped.

He who had seen Jesus, lived with Him, seen the signs, and had the faith — he still slipped.

But you know the wonderful thing?

Jesus pulled him out. He didn’t condemn him. He didn’t shame him. He saved him.

No believer is perfect. We’re just trying, and sometimes we get tired. Learn to give people grace. Learn to help others up when they fall with love instead of compounding the shame and guilt they’re already feeling.

But most importantly, give yourself grace. It’s okay not to be perfect.

Yes, you too, Edwina. It’s okay to make mistakes.

It’s okay to slip.

The only thing that isn’t okay is not relying on God regardless.

Honestly, I’ve been lost. That’s what led me to write this.

I’ve been so tired. I don’t want to carry my cross. I don’t want to fight anything. I just want to give in.

My skin yearns to be scorched by the touch of another body.

I want my body to shudder while my mind is euphoric on orgasms and cannabis.

These are my biggest struggles, and they have led me to hide. I’ve been running from the Lord. I stopped listening to Him and stopped reading His word. I’m tired of trying, so I wanted to give up. Well, that’s what I thought I was going for.

But what I’ve received instead is the call to give in and relinquish control.

To stop fighting and trying to correct myself as though that would somehow make me worthy, and instead rest in the grace and the sacrifice of Jesus.

I’m being asked to stop trying to do the work in me, and instead show my real self to God — not out of defiance, but so that He can change me Himself, without me having to do anything except focus on Him.

So this isn’t me giving up. It’s me letting go of the performance. It’s me no longer suppressing myself, but bringing everything into the light — and that includes what I consider bad and evil, and what I feel the need to hide.

I’m being myself fully and letting God clean me from the inside out.